Yes, I Would Like Some Cheese With This Whine

Loss, loss, loss.
I know--don't complain, or even worse shit will be rained down on thy parade.
So I'm just listing things.

Obviously, my father died last year.

My mother has kidney failure. She doesn't have to be on dialysis, and who knows, it could remain stable for a long time. But you don't need a certification in medicine to know that kidney failure = not a good thing.

My son is moving to his own apartment. Yes, I know. This is actually a good thing. And in fact when we found the apartment I told him that he and his room mate HAD to jump on it. It is big. It is close to tons of potential jobs. It is right on the bus line. It is the most affordable to be found in this particular city for what you get, because it's in an older building. It's well maintained. It's in a good neighborhood. There was no credit check because they rent to lots of students, most of whom, like my son, have no credit. Roommate has bad credit because of medical bills. I have so-so credit, but my co-signing for them wouldn't help because my debt to income ratio is too high. But what this means is that likely my son will never live with me again. GOOD! Not because I don't want him to, since I really love having him here. But because he needs to start living as an independent adult. So yes, it's a good thing. I realize that. But it's still a loss.

Also, I feel like I am losing who I really am because of how much this stupid nursing program and all this other shit I need to take care of has overrun my life. I literally had a couple of brief psychotic breaks where I was seeing shit that wasn't really there and interpreting it as malevolent. This was due to stress and nothing more. It was still unsettling. I am still trying to write. I would like to get back to my explorations of whatever lies beyond this life. But what I would really like first is just to fucking rest!

I still have no running water and am having a fuck of a time getting hold of a plumber. You see, the plumber has to do the duct work before the flooring guy can put in the new subfloor. Flooring guy recommended plumber. I have called plumber twice. Plumber has yet to call me back. I informed flooring guy that if plumber fails to contact me after the third call I place, I will call another plumber because I am tired of dicking around. The good news is that once Flooring Guy is able to get in, he can put in the new subfloor for around $600.

I am still waiting on the lady from the Wyoming Dachshund Rescue (doxieconnection.com) to get back to me again about taking my dachshunds. She is in the un-enviable position of finding a nursing home for her mother. If you Google Wyoming Dachshund Rescue you will see that they receive a good deal of praise. This woman has been very nice to me and I think the dachshunds will be better off with her than with me. I need to find a new home for them. I've made the decision that once I get this place cleared out I'm going to rent an apartment from the same management company that my son is going through. They are cat friendly but not dog friendly. I have been unable to properly care for the dogs for a long time. I have a much better rapport with cats. So, there is another loss. I am losing my home of ten years. I can't keep up with the stresses of home ownership and this place costs way too much for me to keep living here. Besides, what the fuck does one person need with a four bedroom mobile home?

So, why am I putting this on my Fatty Faycin blog?

Because, when I am stressed and unhappy, my eating becomes disordered. Either I don't eat or I eat for emotional reasons. Currently, it's the latter. Last night I ate three hot dogs, two cups of macaroni salad, and three servings of strawberry shortcake. And I hated myself. 

Also, I ended up watching Heavy. Which was stupid. The trainers are much kinder than the ones on The Biggest Sadist, which of course features the evil Nazi dominatrix Jillian Michaels. I wouldn't piss on that bitch if she were on fire. Nonetheless, even though the trainers on Heavy are nicer, I still felt wretched. Here I was stuffing my face while they're recommending that people eat 1200 calories a day. I would be killing and eating people if I tried to eat 1200 calories a day.

I know my eating is disordered. I of all people am painfully aware of this. But it does not make me a lesser human being. 

I want to start exercising again because that does make me feel better. But there's still too much going on for me to be successful with it right now.

So there's the whine. Now give me my god damn cheese!