Eating Disorder Trigger

It's tough for me when friends who are on the other end of the eating disorder spectrum than I currently am start talking about how they feel the need to severely restrict their caloric intake so they don't gain a pound because getting fat is worse than losing a limb or a major organ. I understand that their focus is on their own issue and they aren't thinking about the fact that what they're saying may trigger shame in a big person who is trying to accept themselves and trying to deal with their own disordered eating. There was one friend whom I'm not that close to at this point and maybe it's because I had to set a boundary that she could NOT whine about how fat her 135 pound self was in front of me, who weighs well over 200. At one point she was trying to convince me to go on The Biggest Loser with her and I got very upset. I told her that her prejudices against fat people were her own problem and I would have nothing to do with that hateful show or the hate that it touts. She was genuinely shocked, saying that she just thought it was something we could do together. She has severe body dysmorphic disorder, which I sympathize with but I can't allow the Fat Talk. It's far too triggering of shame. 

Whether or not the shame wins out in my case and I end up severely restricting calories or giving in to WLS at some point, I will try never to project my shame on others. Certainly I will never tell other heavy people that they "should" do what I do, because whatever I do, outside of exercising moderately and eating better food, it is shame based. I do not wish that horrific feeling on anyone else. I repeat as I have in the past, not every heavy person has an eating disorder. I do. So I am dealing with attempting to accept myself as I am, and I am dealing with my disordered approach to food.

I have been on the opposite end of the spectrum. At one point I weighed only a little over 100 pounds and was attempting to get down to 100 pounds. I over-exercised and ate very little and I don't think that what I ate had much nutritional value. My skin was pale and flaky, my hair was brittle and falling out, I felt shaky and faint most of the time. I tend to go to extremes, either eating too much or not enough. Until this period of extreme stress is over I can't focus on getting back into exercising. I'm trying to focus on eating better food and not worrying about how many calories it contains. That is all I can do and it's nobody's business if I do it or not, either way.