I Quit

The haters won

I used to think I could make a positive difference

I can't

I'm done.

Fat as a Criteria for Parental Worthiness

I know Edna Turnblad is a character and that in the most recent film she was played by a man: John Travolta. But who wouldn't love having a mom as supportive as Edna, even if--or because--she is a little unorthodox. Well, the courts might just say that Edna wasn't a fit mom if she were in a custody battle, simply because she doesn't fit society's criteria of physical fitness.

This is a response to this blog post.

Bringing someone's body type, sexual preference, or religion into things is erroneous and bigoted. As is attempting to use a controlled, functional mental illness against a person. The only thing that should be considered is this: is the person a good parent?

There was a situation I remember in which the children were automatically awarded to the mother when it was apparent to anyone with a grain of sense that the father was the better parent. The mother was always calling the police and trying to get the father in trouble for things that the police themselves knew weren't true, such as the time she claimed he "raped me and threw me from a moving van." There wasn't a scratch on her. These calls were weekly and equally ridiculous each time. His older children knew nothing their mother said about their father was true. The younger ones had no idea what was going on. 

My son is the product of a good divorce. I asked him once whether he had any psychological problems from the fact that his father and I were divorced. He said "no, but I got sick of bouncing from house to house. It was kind of chaotic sometimes." That was all.

To think that the courts think it's okay to use a person's body type as a criteria for whether or not they're a good parent astounds and disgusts me.

Fuck You, Business Insider

This disgusting, discriminatory article by an asswipe named Gus Lubin made me cancel my subscription to Business Insider real quick. Of course it contained the obligatory "headless fatty" picture. Need you ask?

Nice, Jackass, real nice. You cannot tell the state of a person's health by looking at their weight. The only thing you can determine is their weight. There are healthy large people and there are unhealthy slim ones. I have Cushing's syndrome and hypothyroidism. I have only missed two days of work in the past 5 years due to health issues. Once I had the Norovirus and was vomiting and had horrible diarrhea. The other time I had severe menstrual cramps. Neither of these is related to my weight.

In working with the elderly since 1988, I have noticed something. The so called "fat" diseases are actually diseases of AGING and strike people of all sizes. I see both fat and slim people with type II diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease. The only difference that I have been able to determine is that very slim people are more prone to osteoporosis and spontaneous fractures whereas very large ones tend to develop arthritis in the lower extremities earlier. The arthritis levels out after a while and most people tend to develop it to some degree.

I will be canceling my subscription to Business Insider. Shame, shame, shame on you for this bigoted and derogatory article towards a segment of the population. Who the hell died and made you a doctor anyway?

On Hiatus

This is for the nice people. Because I like manatees.

This blog is going on hiatus. I am not sure when, if ever, I will start it up again. I am in an extremely vulnerable place right now. I wish I could tell those of you who were nice to me where to find me, but I can't, because I can't risk having trolls follow me and bully me.

Throughout my life I have been bullied. My first para-suicide happened at age 13. I took a bottle of aspirin. Nothing happened to me other than my getting really sick to my stomach. I was very disappointed.

I started cutting when I was 16.

I am a deeply sensitive person and there is a lot of meanness in this world. Right now I am in no condition to try and deflect it.

I wanted this blog to be a place where people could feel safe and free to be themselves. It is not.

I wanted this to be a place where we could discuss size issues and where people could learn that they are likeable no matter what size they are.

It has not been.

There are so many who are so much stronger than I am and who do it much better than I do. Please, seek them out.

I feel really worthless right now. If it weren't for the fact that I have a son who still needs my assistance in order to come to a place in his life where he can truly be independent, I would very strongly consider killing myself.

As it is, I just have to try and fight the urge.

So long, for now, maybe forever.

I'm not much for prayer because I hate organized religion, but if you have a little positive energy to spare in whatever form, I could use a little.

Peace Out.

Faycin A Croud

3:33 A.M.

October 17, 2011

Can I Ever Love What I've Hated For So Long?

I really do struggle with a tremendously dysfunctional relationship with my body. I became despondent when I started developing hips and could no longer wear size 9 boys' jeans when I hit puberty. I was terrified of becoming "fat." I started sticking my finger down my throat at age 13, when I hit 116 pounds. I was horrified at weighing over 100 pounds. I thought myself grossly fat because I now wore a size 1 women's pants.

Ever since I hit puberty, I have hated my body. And it is not easy to get over thinking this way. Especially since at this point in my life I take after my mythological great grandmother and weigh approximately 300 pounds.

Oh yes, I have a mythological great grandmother. You see, there is no such thing as an old fat person, so she couldn't have existed. Because she was nearly 80 years old when she died of acute myeloid leukemia and not any of the Deathfat diseases. Tres Impossible!
It's also amazing the difference a few years makes. When I was eight years old, I didn’t yet have it drilled into me at that age that fat = bad. At that age I just thought that fat = a person who really, really likes to eat and maybe not the best foods, but they aren’t bad. But certainly by eleven or twelve it had been drilled into my head that fat = ugly, bad, stupid, and lacking in self control, and I had started berating myself using it as an insult.  

Amazon

(not a real picture of Faycin A Croud towering over a guy)

I grew to almost my full height (close to five foot seven) by the time I was 14 and I always towered over the boys. I was very self conscious about it and slouched. I'm also big boned and always felt like a hideous, unattractive Amazon. This is a personal lack of confidence. I'm not saying that people who are tall and big boned are unattractive. There are a lot of bad messages that society sends if we aren't built like supermodels. This includes people of all sizes.

Whale or Mermaid

Wish I looked like this!

This comment was in response to a post by Ragen regarding first of all the above photo and some of the vicious comments it received about how the model was "fat" and "ugly." Some fucking people really need to get a grip. I wish I was that "ugly!"

The other part of Ragen's post was about a sign on the door of the health club where she goes, which stated "do you want to be a whale or a mermaid this summer?"

Mermaids don't exist, people!

But here is what I had to say.

She looks like she could be a mermaid. She's very attractive. I imagine the sailors who dreamed of mermaids would have been stumbling all over themselves to have a chance to be with her.
Here's the thing: there was a time when a woman like that would have been seen as the ideal. If one looks at the paintings from times gone by, those women are all more fleshy. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being slim, but why can't people be accepting of other body types too? It isn't that I insist that anyone be attracted to my body, just that they don't be rude. How about a little common decency?